Thoughts towards 2013

I’ve had a lot of general ideas about what I plan to do in the new year.

The problem with me is that most of my ideas are simply that; they never turn into a reality. I spark up an idea for a hobby, or an event, or something more life-changing; I plan it to some extent; then forget all about it. Later on I reflect on these dead ideas and plans and feel a little disappointed in myself.

This time of year is for reflection, so everybody thinks. I think you can reflect upon your life at anytime of the year. I also think you should reflect upon it several times a year, not just once. It’s similar to that “fresh start” byline of New Years; you can have a “fresh start” at anytime of the year you like. Isn’t there a saying somewhere that goes along the lines of “Everyday is a fresh start”. I don’t know, but I certainly believe it.

As I have all these ideas and not-so-planned plans in my head, I’m a little bit distracted from things at the moment. Thankfully there are plenty of things to also get distracted by in a different way; New Years Eve, my friend’s birthday and my own birthday (not all on the same day by the way).

I think that is from reading so two novels in three days that has planted the seeds of these ideas into my head.

My New Years resolution last year was to say “yes” more often. I think I did reasonably well in this, as I certainly have had many more adventures this year than before.

2013’s resolution will be to carry out my plans more often. Which, to be honest, I’m really quite excited and overwhelmed about.

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Charm.

Charm beats looks.

Obviously, looks count for something. They are a bonus.

You have both, and are literally oozing of them.

I would quite like you to text me please.

I am glad that I did not sleep with you though. I naively thought that not sleeping with you would make you want more of me when you walked me home and we made out. I say naively because it clearly hasn’t worked. Unless you text me soon(ish). Within the next few days would be quite nice.

I’m not sure about the politics of dating. I have never really done it before in my twenty years of living. Do people still call it dating? How restricted is the definition of “dating”?

Anyway, if it was a date type thing, I would like another one. I refrained from sleeping with you on the basis that I thought you might ask me out again. I know you have a girlfriend, but she is on the other side of the planet; I do not see the harm in a little bit of fun throughout the time you are staying in my home-town.

So. Will I get a text? I hope so.

I wonder if this post has made me look desperate.

I’m glad you don’t like blogs, so that you never read this!

Clawing and burning.

I would quite like to sort out find out what exactly is going on, this side of Christmas. What is the point in pro-longing an expected heartbreak?

Not that I will be that bitter about it. I just prefer not to be messed around or “played” for much longer. It’s a bit ridiculous.

I have a meet up arranged with someone else today anyway.

I do hate how several songs remind me of you. It makes my ears feel like they are burning.

Whenever I think about this kinda stuff about you, it makes me want to claw my eyes out. I don’t really know why, but that is always the feeling I get.

On Sunday, on the train home from you, I instantly felt the loneliness and upset I usually feel a day or two after I have seen you. That can’t be a good sign.

All these things make me completely muddled. Is this what dating is as a twenty year old? Is it normal? Am I completely over-reacting? Can I just not handle casual dating? If this is casual dating, I don’t think I want to experience it ever again.

No more eye-clawing or ears-burning thank you. I think I have reached the end of my tether.

Questions.

  1. Will I be motivated to do some work today?
  2. Is it normal that I am finding my lack of voice a blessing?
  3. Should I really watch Dark Knight Rises for the second time in so many days?
  4. Will I actually do a significant amount of work afterwords?
  5. Did I resign from my job a bit too quickly?
  6. Will a month off working and university drive me insane?
  7. Should I go to this party tomorrow?
  8. Will I be liked there?
  9. Will I stand out as the odd one out?
  10. Am I quirky or intelligent enough for them?
  11. Am I supposed to feel like this before a party?
  12. Will you still let me sleep in your bed even though I can’t have sex with you?
  13. Do you like me?
  14. Do you fancy me?
  15. Is it okay to flirt with others?
  16. Am I a hypocrite?
  17. How many more people will I sleep with until I settle down?
  18. Is it ignorant to want pure passion in a relationship?
  19. Why do I obsess about these things?
  20. Should I just become celibate and focus on my degree and career?
  21. Is my new found confidence and attitude a vizard?
  22. Am I actually quite delicate?
  23. Why did my cookies not turn out as tasty as before?
  24. Am I just writing this to procrastinate?
  25. Would it be wise to pull an all-nighter and get as much work done as possible?
  26. Why do I get peckish at this time of day?
  27. Am I living my life fully?
  28. What does it mean by that term anyway?
  29. Can staying in sometimes still mean my life is being lived?
  30. Do I have to go out all the time to appreciate things?
  31. Sometimes all I want to do is sketch, write or sew. Is that so bad?
  32. Am I too young to like these things?
  33. Will I be a party animal when I’m really old?
  34. Am I Benjamin Button?

Ask or not ask.

Shall I just cut my losses and ask you out-right how you feel about our situation?

I don’t fancy going to your party with all this confusion in my brain.

At least this way I will know where I stand.

It’s not as if I am going to ask “Where is this going?” because that is lame. I just want to know if you like me or just want to fuck me. Is that so wrong to ask?

 

Let down.

So you invited me to a party (which is coming up soon!)

I am nervous about meeting lots of new people, and text you this. Then I slip in the comment; “I just wonder what you may have said about me, if anything.”

Reply: “I’m good at not really talking about things, so worry not!”

Translation?: I haven’t told anyone about you, as you are just a good shag.

Awesome.

That type of dream.

I don’t normally remember my dreams.

The most recent one (apart from this morning) was a scary dream; in which a little girl was willingly becoming consumed by a blob of matter, turning her into a human-eating freak of nature. She was trying to persuade the little boy who was with her to do the same, as she turned ugly and horrific. I can’t remember what part of the dream I had to play. Maybe it was a third-person type dream. I tried to relate the dream to a film I must of seen. Can’t think what it could of been though. Maybe a mixture of Prometheus and a zombie film? I don’t know.

This morning I woke up after dreaming of someone I had not really thought about for a while. I fancied him ages ago, when I still worked with him. Then a party was on the cards, which lots of our work friends were also invited to, and I thought that would be when something would maybe happen. Nothing happened. So, that’s when I sort of stopped fancying him. But he came back into this dream last night. I had bumped into him (I done so several times recently), and we started walking somewhere together. Then I made the decision to take hold of his hand as we walked, caressing it a little. No words were said, and he took hold of my hand firmly, looked at me, and got me against a wall, kissing me.

That was the end of the dream. But it has stuck with me. I kinda feel attracted to him again now. I am even planning on going into his work place at some point this week just to see him. How silly.

It is funny though, how certain dreams like that can just bring back emotions. Maybe I do still fancy him a little bit. Though, they say that your dreams are made up of things you have experienced that day; he had commented on a Facebook status of mine. That must of been why he was in the dream in the first place.

But the kissing part? And how it was really quite sexy? Not sure where that came from.

But I liked it.